


Tired

by JauntyHako



Category: Fallout (Video Games)
Genre: Can be read as gen, Depression, F/M, Implied/Referenced Ableism, Medicinal Drug Use, Mild Suicidal Thoughts, Preston is a sweet ray of sunshine, and involves drugs, hancock being supportive in his own way, which is a weird way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-17
Updated: 2015-12-17
Packaged: 2018-05-07 07:46:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5448809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JauntyHako/pseuds/JauntyHako
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Having depression sucked. Having depression in a post-nuclear hellhole, Skyler found, sucked less.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tired

**Author's Note:**

> So, I tried my hand at cathartic writing experiences. I usually don't write about depression or anything relating to my own life experiences (what, dealing with your issues through art? Why do that if you can pretend nothing's wrong while writing dirty, dirty smut) but that one prompt on the fallout kinkmeme spoke to me so I decided to give it a shot.  
> Hope you enjoy :)

“You okay?”

Damn, had she let something slip again? It had to be getting worse if people asked that much. First Piper and Nick always asking her how she was holding up and now even Hancock noticed.

“I'm good.” Skyler said sharply and pretended not to see Hancock's rejected puppy eyes. Before he could needle her for more she marched on, clearing out the old hospital of Super Mutants. They didn't even have a reason for being here, just blowing off some steam by shooting people in the head. Hancock, as always, provided ample support for this kind of afternoon activity provided it was carried out while high. He didn't say anything more and followed her up the flight of stairs, eventually falling back into companionable silence.

She hadn't meant to lash out. The exhaustion took its toll on her. In many ways life after the nuclear holocaust was simpler than the one she tried to build with Nate. Not having to do her hair every morning was a plus. And if she couldn't bring herself to wash completely, instead opting for a quick splash of water to the areas that needed it most, who could blame her? When you slept outside, surrounded by raiders, super mutants and god knew what, undressing and taking a bath in irradiated river water wasn't the best of ideas. There were no alarm clocks mocking Skyler for her inability to follow their command, no nosy neighbors forcing her to go out and socialise when the last bit of energy had left her at about the same time she walked by the dirty dishes that filled the sink. Adrenaline kept her alive these days and being tired and listless was understandable. She'd just lost her husband and son and had to fight for her life every day. Who _wouldn't_ be tired and listless? But the insistent questioning was proof she'd gotten careless. She'd have to make sure to appear extra energetic and happy from here on out.

Logging back salvage to Sanctuary, to be distributed from there to the different settlements took its time. They wouldn't arrive home until late tomorrow and it grew increasingly too dark to travel. Thus they made the decision to camp in a nearby ruin, sleeping bags rolled out, munching on some canned food for dinner. Skyler tried and overlook the fact that this particular brand of dog food was so bad she didn't even buy it for their own dog they used to have. Hancock at least seemed to like it and why wouldn't he? He never saw the TV documentaries about how they manufactured the stuff. There were so many things he, and most other people in the Commonwealth, didn't know. Carbonated soda instead of the flat piss they had nowadays. Compilations of news anchors having hilarious slip-ups on live TV. Functioning cars. Plumbing. Oil shortages and the war looming behind every corner. The threat of Chinese invasion. Asylums.

Skyler glowered at her dog food, wondering why she even bothered. What if she did find Shaun? How the hell was she gonna raise him? Buffout kept her going forward but raising a child on drugs, that was something Skyler wouldn't do, not to mention the people around her wouldn't let her even if she were to try. Even Hancock would probably have a piece to say about that. So why go to the trouble of finding him at all? Why not curl up somewhere and die, that feat being significantly easier than it used to be. Really, she didn't even have to go out of her way to commit suicide. All she had to do was be a bit more careless, a fraction more reckless, just a modicum less alert than usual and she wouldn't make it to the end of the day. God, she wanted to just _rest_ so bad it hurt. Just sit down and never get up again. She was tired enough it was a miracle she'd made it this far without getting seriously hurt.

“Sister?”

She looked up, had to blink to focus her eyes on Hancock who looked more sheepish than usual.

“Yeah?” she said when he wouldn't speak up. Jesus, she really hurt him with her sharp tone earlier, hadn't she? Fucking great. It wasn't like keeping friends was an option for someone like her but she still felt like crap everytime she alienated the people she cared about.

“You sure you okay? 's just, you don't look too hot.”

“Gee, thank you.” she said and managed a smile. He laughed, shrugged. They both knew he was right.

“Just … tired, is all.”

The ghoul hummed in acknowledgment but didn't break eye contact.

“The kind that goes away with a good night's rest or the kind that makes you wanna die?”

Skyler's heart stopped. She swallowed, scrambled for some inner purchase as her whole world went reeling. No one ever figured it out. Being tired was her standard excuse, partly because it was true, partly because it wasn't the whole truth. People didn't suspect anything if she said that. Fuck.

She didn't say anything and didn't have to. Hancock made a knowing sound.

“Noticed something was off. You don't take buffout like a drug addict, you take the stuff like you're trying to manage something.”

“Figured you'd notice by my drug habits.” Skyler said drily. Now the cat was out of the sack she felt oddly relieve, if still apprehensive. Keeping her condition a secret had been nearly as exhausting as living with it in the first place. She still didn't know what would happen next but then again, caring about the future wasn't something she was particularly skilled at. She'd deal with the backlash as it came.

“I have a very specific skill set.” Hancock said. Then his face softened. “Why didn't you say anything before? Is it an Old World thing?”

“Is it? I mean, what do you do with crazy folk here?”

Hancock looked genuinely startled by that question. He dragged his hands over his head, knocking the hat askew. It sat at an angle and covered half his face. He pushed it back in its assigned place.

“The way you ask, don't wanna know what they did with them back in the day.”

Skyler shrugged. Talking about this was unknown territory for her. She didn't know what to say. Before she'd never talked about this thing that made carrying on so hard. There was enough judgment around her to dissolve that thought in its own bitter acid. So far Hancock didn't react the way she'd expected him to, which gave her hope. That he at least would keep this secret for her.

“Look, love. You don't need to keep a lid on this thing, whatever it is. Maybe we can find some way to water that Buffout down? No high but all the good side effects. Fred's got to know a way. His soul might leave his body if we ask him for a drug that doesn't make you high, but he'll do it.”

Out of all the things Skyler expected to happen from this reveal, a helpful suggestion was not one of them. She blinked up at Hancock who did that weird little smile that made him look like a ten year old.

“I'd … like that.” She said carefully. Hancock smiled wider and went back to his own drug habit, putting no pressure on her to carry the conversation on.

 

They did get Fred to make a safer version of Buffout for Skyler. He handed her the recipe with something akin to heartbreak, not knowing what it was for as neither Skyler nor Hancock told him. In return Skyler got him some of those HalluciGen canisters and left him to his happy experimenting.

It worked wonders, ridding Skyler of the sense of power that made her irresponsible and reckless but allowing her to work and act like a functioning human being. She was probably addicted but as long as she needed the medication withdrawal was the least of her worries.   
Among many other things that changed after her little heart-to-heart with Hancock was his attitude towards her. She'd feared it would come to this. But instead of the disapproving glances she got genuine concern. His gaze lingered on her longer to make sure she was holding up all right. When they arrived in Sanctuary to load off some supplies he talked to the people there in her stead, allowing Skyler to rest and be alone to recharge. He never told another soul about this, something for which she was grateful, but constantly encouraged her to be more open about her inner workings. Skyler never took him up on the offer. It was still a mark of shame she bore, even if the drugs worked well and the load on her shoulders had gotten lighter.

It took a trip with Preston to one of the settlements harrassed by raiders to change her mind.

The young woman was in a rage, pacing the grounds outside the shack like a furious harpy, ready to rend and claw at whoever came close.

“Anny?” Preston asked carefully and shrunk under the scrutiny of the woman.

“Do I look like Anny? Does Anny look like this? It's Rena, asshole.”

“Sorry, Rena. We need her to tell us what happened to her fiancé. Can we speak to her?”

The woman seemed to consider. She stopped, thinking, casting occasional glances toward Skyler who tried her best to appear as inconspicuous as possible.

“I never liked that guy, you know?” she finally said. “No-good, I always say, but Anny loves him and now she's crying.”

“Where is she? It's really important that we talk to her.”

“Duh, she's right here.” Rena said, pointing at herself. “But I'm not trusting you not to make her cry harder. Her dad said he was probably dead. That's when I took over. Poor girl couldn't walk two steps without stepping beside herself. Anyway, raiders took her fiancé. They came in the night, we were all sleeping, took him away. I can show you where they came from.”

Preston had his map out and marked the point where Rena said the raiders came from. They left with the promise to bring Anny's fiancé back and left.

The moment they were out of earshot, Skyler spoke up.

“So … Anny, Rena … whatever her name is … what's her deal?”

“They're two different girls.” Preston said. “In the same body, you know? There's more than just the two of them. I've met Judy, Samuel and Raymond personally. Rena can be a bit … overprotective. I'd hoped we see Samuel, actually. He's very interested in pre-war culture. He'd love to have a talk with you.”

Skyler contemplated this for a while. She knew of this sort of situation, they'd studied various mental illnesses during law school, but had never met a person who was this open with it.

“Don't people perceive her, them, as a threat?”

“Nah. I mean, you don't want to get Rena on your bad side, but all in all they're very nice people. Where's the curiousity come from, General? This sort of thing didn't happen in the Old World?”

“Oh, it happened.” Skyler said, casting a glance back to where Rena had gone back to pacing. “You just didn't usually meet the people outside of asylums. People thought they were crazy.”

“That's not really how we think about it. As long as you're not hurting people, no one really minds if you're a bit different. Unless you're a synth.”

“Everyone draws the line somewhere, huh?”

Preston chuckled. On Skyler's command he took point as they approached the building the raiders made their base. Even from this distance she could see it was inhabited. A single raider guarded the entrance. Skyler took him out with a shot of her sniper rifle and rushed the building with Preston flanking the raiders.

They finished the job quick and efficient, delivering the grateful fiancé home to his beloved. On their way back Preston stopped them, having gotten another assignment over Radio Freedom.

“Makes you wanna lie down somewhere and never get up again, does it?” Skyler said, deliberately conversational. Preston smiled weakly.

“God, yes. Some days I don't know why I'm getting up in the morning.” he said, then looked at Skyler. “'s not happening as often anymore, though.”

“Yeah.” she said, carrying on, hiding her relief. “I know how you feel.”

 


End file.
